In life, we sometimes encounter crossroads that challenge us to confront our deepest fears or embrace new possibilities. These moments kind of defines us -they test our resilience, push us beyond our comfort zones, and ultimately shape the essence of who we are. My late-father had a deep appreciation for cultures, believing that exploring them was the best way to truly understand oneself. In mid-30’s, I came to understand its meaning. It was when COVID entered and when I became a widow. End of an era one could say.

The title explains the bit of the essence of why I travel: to seize the opportunity to explore different cultures, broaden my horizons, and create memories that enrich life as today and as I get older. So staying at home I wouldn’t have chance to gain these experiences that shape my perspective and enrich my life.

In this text, I will be tracing my roots and reflecting on my current journey, and how my life has been impacted of becoming a widow. This blog isn’t just about surviving or describing the grief I have felt; it’s about understanding why and how I travel. Three years after losing my partner, I feel ready to share my thoughts as the initial sadness has fade.

Before COVID, my travel approach was cautious, influenced by a decade of limited exploration due to a fear of flying.

Years back when confronting my fear of flying presented a clear dilemma: remain safely at home, restricting my exploration of the world, or take a leap and embrace new opportunities. Though it was a challenging decision, I resolved to overcome my fear.

My late father’s passion for travel profoundly influenced my own. He began his journey as an exchange student in the USA decades ago, then spent some time in India, and further explored Europe and beyond. His work as a language translator fuelled his love for languages, cultures, and countries, greatly influencing my own relationship with travel. Indian food culture holds a special place in my heart, although I don’t have an interest in traveling to the country due to reasons such as poverty, human rights issues, infrastructure challenges, and crime. Yet, there remains a profound connection through the shared appreciation of Indian food culture. And yes, my parents got married, they celebrated with a small wedding reception at an Indian restaurant. Someone like them, with their vibrant personalities and free-spirited nature, would have found a stylish, classic banquet with matching flowers and white and beige decorations too restrictive.

Navigating loss and new beginnings

Today, on March 20th, marks three years since my long-time boyfriend suddenly passed away. We had been together for 10 years.

The grief caused by his death was a heavy weight that felt suffocating and excruciatingly painful. To go from building a life together, dreaming of the future, to suddenly planning his funeral felt surreal and unbearable.

As I grappled with the loss, I couldn’t help but feel isolated. The COVID restrictions were like the cherry on top of the cake, but the real challenge was the profound sense of isolation. The feeling of solitude, distant from the aspects of life I cherished most. I felt lost in sadness and loneliness, longing for the life we had envisioned but would never experience together. I couldn’t imagine feeling more alone.

I’m usually well adapting in life in general, even when life hands me lemons. I don’t get offended easily, and won’t lose sleep over a few bumps in the road. Sure, I might toss in a ‘Perkele’ or two for dramatic effect, no one could accuse me of being modest. But hey, as they say, “run, there’s cake!” Who can resist that? It’s all about seeing the good and epic stuff life has to offer and seizing those moments.

Understood the significance of meaningful work

Work then provided me with clarity and structure in life, offering routines and a sense of purpose. Initially, I did feel like operating a bit on autopilot, but engaging in meaningful work and attending meetings where thoughts of his death wouldn’t accompany me, helped to find focus.

Life lesson – never settle for less. When life gets tough, it can be overwhelmingly difficult to endure a job that lacks meaning or fulfilment.

Another purpose emerged: to get myself on a plane, no matter the destination, as long as it was outside of Finland.

I made a conscious decision to block out reading anything COVID-related and instead began to dream about what I wanted to do next. It was a simple act of writing it down on a list. After all, once a list maker, always one.

Despite the tough times, there have been some happy moments. I’m excited to say that I’m engaged now and looking forward to a bright future ahead. Using dating apps in my mid-30s, though, was a completely new experience for me. However, I found someone who accepted me just as I am although one could call as “heavy load”. And that’s something I’m truly grateful for.

Next blog will be titled “As the world began to close off, my desire for exploration only intensified”. In it, I’ll write about my experiences of traveling, particularly focusing on my solo travel adventures.

In dedication to Ari, a kindred spirit and fellow travel enthusiast, this blog serves as a tribute to his memory.

RIP Ari 1981-2021